I feel like I’ve set my brain to cruise control and that’s a pretty neat feeling.
I’ve been ridiculously busy lately with work, applying to grad school, home responsibilities, etc. Not to mention the normal day to day stuff that gets in the way too. But the best part is, I’ve held it together most days. I’ve been stressed, but I haven’t let OCD take control. I’ve dealt with things, even last minute projects, as my opportunity to shine. And I’m shining so much, you need shades! 🙂 Before my diagnosis and treatment, I would have had a meltdown, had a good cry, put my big girl panties on and dealt with it, though in a very unhappy and anxious way, as I performed my rituals along the way. This time, I already had on my big girl panties, dealt with things, and was very happy about the result, without the crying, anxiety and rituals. Sometimes I feel like I’m having an out of body experience because I simply can’t believe that this is my life, that I am the person not freaking out about little things, that I’m in control.
And I know that by saying this, my chances of having a meltdown next week are high because that’s Murphy’s Law. Just about the time I feel like I have control of the Monster, that son of a bitch comes back to rear his ugly head. Maybe it’s because I’m further along in my recovery process now and I’m optimistic that I’m going to continue kicking ass and taking names. I’ve felt the anxiety and then I did it anyway. I’ve been going back to the gym, despite my harsh criticisms of my body and my constant comparison to others’ performance. I’ve been extremely on top of my game at work, earning recognition and the opportunity to be part of a group that represents my department to the rest of the company. I’m submitting my application to graduate school by the end of this glorious three day weekend and I couldn’t be more excited to take on this new challenge. Mentally, I just feel great and it’s a sort of foreign feeling. But I definitely think it’s a feeling I could get used to! 🙂