Life has been better in recent weeks, with the occasional ups and downs.
I started back to Crossfit in recent weeks and have been doing well with my perfectionist/comparison issues. When I did Crossfit before, I was always comparing myself to everyone else in the room, so focused on what others were doing and how I was failing in comparison. I would give up too soon in a workout because I would rather fail on my own terms than show everyone that I was incapable. But since starting back in recent weeks, my former trainers have said there’s something different about me; I seem calm, relaxed and at peace. This put a huge smile on my face. Then, this week, during our workout, I found my OCD creeping back in, trying to convince myself to stop at 3 rounds instead of the prescribed 4 rounds, because “you don’t want to be the LAST one to finish, do you??” I recognized the feeling and I found myself pushing against it. “Just finish the power cleans; I know you have 5 reps in you,” my mind was pushing. I completed those and suddenly, my body was moving to the kettle bell swings. It was like an out of body experience. You feel yourself doing it, and you hear the voice inside your head telling you to do it and yet, it doesn’t feel real. Before I knew it, I had completed the last round and happily laid in a puddle of my own sweat, trying to catch my breath while absolutely elated at my perseverance. I had done the one thing I couldn’t do when I was Crossfitting before – force myself to finish a workout instead of failing on my own terms. I was the last one to complete the workout, and I didn’t even care.
I’ve had successes as of late, but I won’t pretend that I haven’t had failures recently as well. The Monster is ever present, but his influence is less and less than it used to be. And there are times when I let my guard down and he weasels back in to my brain. One thing that I struggle with is my fear of graduate school in the fall. I’m afraid of failing, of not knowing anyone, of being overwhelmed and disappointing people, of the workload, of the time commitment, all of it. I’m afraid of all of it. But the hope I have of succeeding, of proudly displaying another Georgia Institute of Technology degree on my wall, of my potential career aspects, of my increased self-worth, all outweigh the fear I feel. Feeling the fear doesn’t make you a failure – but giving in to the fear does. Sometimes you have to feel the fear, and take the leap anyway. I’m standing on the edge of the platform, trying to convince myself to just take the leap.