Day Two: How do you feel about your diagnosis?
Seeing as I’ve suffered with this my entire life, it was a huge relief to finally be diagnosed and understand that the way I feel has a name and is a real thing. The work to get better has been hard, but I don’t really know what it’s like to live without the Monster. We’ve been handcuffed together since birth and I don’t know what “recovery” means. I hope for it and I work towards it, but I don’t know what it looks like or what it feels like or even where it might be hiding.
Growing up, I always had an inclination that I might be OCD. People would joke to me about it and I would brush it off. I didn’t want to admit that I was broken, that I wasn’t perfect. I had strived so hard to be perfect that it was a bit of a crushing blow to think that something may be wrong with me. After my first visit with my therapist, I left her office feeling both excited and terrified. Excitement about the potential for an OCD-free life and that I might be happy again. And terror about the hard work that I was just beginning and apprehension about my ability to actually defeat the Monster.
I’ve ridden a roller coaster of emotions, experiences and fears since starting treatment and I think the best feeling is knowing that this invisible Monster has a name and knowing that I’m not alone. Awareness has been key in not letting the Monster run amuck in my brain, always in control. It lets me know that with my support system, my therapist and my treatment, I can find the key to these handcuffs and evict the Monster from my brain, once and for all.
Again, feel free to ask questions or comment below!