Have you ever felt so thoroughly defeated before a game that it wasn’t even worth playing?
That’s how I feel this week. I wake up and I’m already defeated. It’s not worth taking a shower, getting dressed and going to work. The day is already wasted because I’m already less than my best. But I’ve dragged myself out of bed, put as little effort into my appearance as possible and made it to work. I’ve had a hard time focusing and concentrating on my job because OCD is so loud in my head. It’s like a toddler throwing a temper tantrum or the worst radio station in the world on an ear-piercing volume. I can’t control the volume or the content. It’s just always on, always loud, and it never goes away. I end up so exhausted that when I finally get to bed, I sleep so hard that 8 hours just isn’t enough. I learned during the conference that, on average, OCD sufferers need an extra hour of sleep compared to control groups. We need this extra sleep because dealing with our brains all day is so mentally taxing. The last 3 nights I haven’t gotten nearly enough sleep. I’ve gotten 7+ hours but my obsessions have been running non-stop – I even dream about my them. I woke up Sunday night at 2:09am and I had to check to make sure the light wasn’t on in the bathroom and that everyone was accounted for, including the dog. I was able to go back to sleep but it made for one awful Monday. I have felt like I just couldn’t get it together.
Thankfully, after weeks of consideration, I have made an appointment for Thursday to consult an MD about medication, on the recommendation of my therapist. I am really looking forward to seeing the doctor and discussing my options. I’ve been nervous about medication, but after the last couple of weeks that I’ve had, I’m willing to try just about anything to help me get better.
For now, all I can do is keep fighting, and try again tomorrow.