I’ve been kicking ass at being “normal.” Or rather, I’ve been kicking OCD’s ass lately, which is pretty cool. Except that while my back was turned and I was celebrating, OCD went and Chuck Norris’d me….a roundhouse kick straight to the face.
I spent the long weekend mostly with friends celebrating America’s birthday. I stepped outside my comfort zone, I ate raw fish in my sushi and I leapt over obstacles that previously would have tripped me up. But, I rode a wave of anxiety all weekend because of it. Well, Sunday morning, OCD decided to hit me when I least expected it. I had a full on panic attack in the shower. I couldn’t breathe, heart racing, dizzy, shaking, nauseous….OCD was a ninja and I, it’s helpless and unsuspecting victim. But the timing was actually great because the next day I was already scheduled to see my therapist for CBT and we were able to talk about it while it was fresh. Now I’m looking at the possibility for medication, either daily or in a “rescue” type situation. Drugs that alter your brain have always worried me because I have been on anti-seizure and anti-epilepsy medications before when I was on the hunt for relief from my chronic migraines. I always felt like a crazy, out of control person on those medications. When I think about going back on something like that again, I get very uncomfortable and very anxious. But, I am open to the idea of having a back-up plan for days like Sunday. More research is needed on my end and I will be doing that in the coming days and weeks. It might be helpful to have another tool in my toolbox but for now, I’m just going to chew on this for a few days until I can get all of my facts together before making a decision.
Either way, this week just reminded me that my dance with OCD is never over. There will always be steps forward and backward, and sometimes even sidesteps and spins. But as long as I’m leading most of the time and I like the song, I think I’ll be okay.
Hey, at least I’m dancing right?