This week has been awful.
Yes, it’s only Monday, but it’s the continuation of last week’s awfulness that has given me a slightly more severe case of the Mondays.
My friends are struggling through some serious stuff and I have tried to be helpful and tried to be a shoulder to cry on. But all of the emotion and stress is starting to weigh on me and, most importantly, my OCD. I can feel it bubbling to the surface to make me doubt myself and start performing rituals so that the anxiety I feel will fade away. The logic makes sense: “Do this compulsion and your anxiety will melt away and you’ll be able to concentrate on taking care of your friends.” But I know better. If I give in, I’ll be right back to where I was 6 months ago. I don’t want to go back there, and being that way surely isn’t going to help me tend to my friends who need good advice and a welcoming smile. No, I have to wage war on my internal struggle so that I can be a soldier for my friends’ external struggle. I haven’t had my battle-readiness tested this hard since I first started to see progress. And in a sick and twisted way, i think I needed OCD to rear it’s ugly head so that I could calmly and rationally tell it to go to Hell. I need to fight this monster and win in hand-to-hand combat while being the person my friends need to get better.
I have had 2 interesting observations this week:
1 – I find it interesting that of all of the people that my friends could have gone to for advice, they pick me. The one who is in therapy and struggling just to live inside my own brain. Funny.
2 – After this week, I truly believe that EVERYONE in the world could benefit from therapy with a trained professional.
At the heart of all of this week and last week’s struggles, I have to remember that right here, right now, I have to focus on defeating the monster and proving that I will be the ultimate champion of this war. And though the monster and my OCD may win a battle here and there, total victory will be mine.
So bring it OCD…you don’t scare me anymore.