Today, while at work and listening to Pandora, one of my favorite John Mayer songs came on – In Repair. One particular line got me thinking: “I’m in repair, I’m not together but I’m getting there…”
I’ve loved John Mayer’s music for a number of years and I’ve listened to this song hundreds of times. But now it has a different meaning. During my battle with OCD, I am literally “in repair.” And I’m certainly “not together” but I do think I’m “getting there.” Which brings me to a different point. Where exactly is “there”? Being free of obsessions and compulsions? Being able to talk back to the “monster”? Being able to approach new people/foods/situations with ease? Being relaxed in previously stressful scenarios? I would like to say all of the above, but I think success is how you, individually, measure it. I’ve done a little bit of all of the above and so far, the feeling of success and the absence of stress/anxiety in those situations is what keeps me going through the rough days.
After a little reflection on this very point earlier today, I realized Pandora was treating me with another one of my favorite Mayer songs – Heart of Life. Never before have I noticed this line: “Fear is a friend who’s misunderstood.” Seeing as how much of my tough issues are seeded in fear (of failure, of imperfection, of being a bad role model, of the unknown, of being a bad wife, of being unworthy), this struck a chord with me. Maybe what I need to realize is that fear is an ally. We misunderstand fear as a negative thing, when in reality, it can help us to restructure a situation, use as a learning tool, or to force humility. Fear is something that OCD walks hand in hand with most days. Being afraid of the world around you is exhausting, but maybe reframing fear as something positive to learn and grow from may help us see fear as our “friend who’s misunderstood.”
Side note: music is my life. If you don’t like my posts about music, eh, you probably don’t have a soul.